Schools almost out, two more days, I have exactly one class I still have to go to and its, what do you know, Creative Writing. Now with all the stuff that no one actually cares about out of the way, I present to you my newest five sentence fiction piece. Its been a few weeks since I've done this but it feels good.
Lost:
We roll on past golden fields, breathing air that we long to taste. The roads seem to curve forever, onto places more beautiful than our own. We flee down them, past farms, past distant lights in the dark, a world gone by. We have no map, no true north, we are lost in our own freedom, running to nowhere. Here the world is quiet, where the neon lights do not reach.
I've been reading a lot of beatnik stuff as of late so some of that has probably bled over, as well as Look out for the Goon Squad. Working on two pieces currently, one titles The Great Neon lights, ironically. The second Paradise in Winter.
Anyway, I would love some critiques, I'm really looking to start improving now that summer is here.
Hasta la Vista mother fuckers.
-Mig
Hi Mig. Nice piece, and I like the concept of being lost in freedom. For consistency I think the beginning should be in the present tense too rather than 'rolled', but when I read it through a few times, I thought I might have liked the whole thing better in the past tense. Just my view anyway. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sandra about the tenses, but I loved your premise...just getting out there and riding (I saw it as a motorbike), and escaping the 'neon lights'. I love getting on the bike and doing just that myself! Great take on the prompt Mig.
ReplyDeleteNoted and edited, thanks for your feed back
DeleteLovely poetic prose. I get the wonderful sense of flight and freedom. A personal note Mig: Don't know your age but vulgarity is not necessary. It diminishes your character.
ReplyDelete