Five sentences expired by explosion on Lillie McFerrin's blog
Shoes tapping, cars roaring, sirens blaring, wind blowing, people screaming, couples fighting, noise. His eyes are jammed shut, unwilling to open, next to him a man plays a harmonica with all the fervor of a prisoner. The scent of a sandwich catches his nose, greedy woman on the phone, jabbering on and on, barely hungry, too much money. He smells the poverty around him, sickly rotting poverty; in his ears the sounds of the harmonica rings, and the rambling of the drug addicts meshes with it, the music of the penniless. To be blind is to be better, for when he opens his eyes he shall still be there, holding his sign, among the sounds and the smells of the poor.
Great atmospheric piece, some really good scene-setting there. Nice one.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great piece to describe the setting for something to happen in (or just to describe a setting, period), but I thought the writing was a little too frantic. Having to say everything in just five sentences is difficult and imposes some restrictions, I know, but perhaps this piece (with a few of the commas replaced by semicolons or periods, of course) would have been better suited for a writing exercise without a sentence limit (or with a higher one). Anyway, great writing and mood-setting. =)
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I had to read this several times....enjoyed the images. Definitely set a mood...
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the poetic lean to this piece. Really well done!!
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